I Am Who I Am

I am one of those people who claims to not care what people think of me, and for the most part, it's true. I do tend to speak my mind and can be fairly blunt, but that doesn't mean I go out of my way to hurt or upset people. I try to be tactful and treat people the way I would like to be treated, but if someone doesn't agree with me, I'm fine with that. In other words, I am not a people pleaser. I have made some enemies, and that doesn't bother me.  I have found a strong group of friends who are like me and, for the most part, appreciate that I say what I feel, or will forgive me later.

There always seems to be one exception to the rule, though. For some reason, I think we all have a person or persons from our pasts or in our lives that we try a little harder to please, and it hurts more when we feel that they are upset with us. My exception is a person who I was very close to in high school. For about two years, we did everything together, and she was my best friend. We even went to the same college and planned on living together while there. However, she graduated from high school before I did, and that's when I started to realize that I was much more invested in the friendship than she was. She really seemed to be bothered by certain decisions I made, such as not finishing college and getting married fairly young, and she withdrew from me, instead of standing by me. I never expected her to agree with my decisions, but I also didn't expect her to be the kind of person who acts that if I didn't do things the way she thought I should, then I was no longer worthy of being her friend. These decisions didn't ruin my life, in fact, I still believe they were right for me. It hurt, but I moved on with my life and am happy with how things have turned out.

I do have to admit, though, that I still really miss that friendship and wonder why I wasn't good enough. I have reached out to her several times, and while I haven't been entirely rebuked, I have been met with a fairly lukewarm reception. The more I try, the more I realize how shallow and self-involved this person really is (which is what other people have told me for awhile, but I refused to believe it). I have been so angry at myself for holding on this long, for hoping that things can be like they used to and I can have my friend back. Why do I care so much, when I have so many other, better people in my life? It's just not healthy!

So, I made a very big decision today. This particular friend is in town and invited everyone to a local restaurant to catch up. I was invited, along with many other people, and I decided that I would give this one last shot. I would go, see her face to face, and see if I was really justified in my feelings. Late last night, I could think of nothing else. And I realized, that had the situations been reversed, she was important enough to me that I would have tried to get together one-on-one, not with a group. That's when I decided that I was done. I no longer need to know if we can be friends again, because I no longer want to be friends. I left a message saying I wouldn't be making it to the get-together and immediately felt a huge sense of relief. I do not need her.

Instead, I will no longer focus on what used to be and what is missing. I know it won't be easy, and I won't cut off contact completely, but I will no longer be the one to initiate.  I will remember that for every person who doesn't appreciate me, I have two more who would support and do anything for me. I know who I am, and will not be ashamed because I made choices that someone didn't agree with. But I will also take comfort in knowing that I tried, and was the better person because of it.

Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 3

For the next two days after the fire, I was in complete shock. The area that I worked in was under mandatory evacuation, so I couldn't go to work. This left me sitting in front of the TV watching hours and hours of new footage on the fire. It was devastating. I couldn't do anything else.

I still couldn't believe how close I had been to the area that was burning. The videos of the houses burning were heartbreaking. I was worried about my job and then felt guilty. People were losing their homes, while I was sitting safe & sound at home worrying abut my livelihood. Several times the smoke was so thick, even at my house 30 miles away, that it was hard to breath and I couldn't go outside.

I was home alone with my 5 year old, who was scared but didn't really understand too much what was going on. My husband and oldest son both work out of the area, which makes it harder. Whenever we aren't together and something like this happens, my mind starts imagining all the bad things that could happen to them. Fortunately, my oldest was able to come home the second day I was home, which did help. I was comforted by the fact that we were together and I knew he was safe.

Thursday night, they lifted the evacuations for my workplace and I got the call that we would be able to go back to work on Friday. I was so relieved! I had been so worried about the fire getting the office or having to shut down for much longer. It had taken me nine months to find this job and I loved it; I didn't want to go through the whole unemployment process ever again.

Friday, the rebuilding started, for some of us. We went back to work and got everything running again. The building smelled of smoke, but nothing had been damaged. Four of my coworkers and their families had to be evacuated from their homes due to the fire, but none of them lost their houses. They also came back to work on Friday, even though they couldn't go home yet. Listening to their stories just reinforced how lucky they had all been. None of them had to go to the shelters; they were able to stay with friends. Most didn't even have smoke damage. Many of the roads in the area were still blocked off, and it seemed a little like a ghost town. But it felt so good to be active, instead of sitting around, wondering whether everything was going to be OK or not.

Every day since then has been better and better. Most of the evacuations are now lifted and we are finally getting some rain. Of course, this means we have to worry about flooding in the damaged areas, but it's still better than the alternative. There was a wonderful benefit concert at the World Arena, which I was able to watch on TV. The community really came together to help out and acknowledge how amazing these wonderful firefighters have been.

It's nice to not worry about the fire every minute now. Then I remember the people who lost their homes or loved ones and feel guilty again...

Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 2

In my last post, I talked about the first several days of my personal experience with the Waldo Canyon Fire - the fire that would go down in history as the most destructive fire in Colorado history.

As I stated in that post, I really wasn't very worried about the fire. I had complete faith that, while we may lose quite a bit of forest land, our city would be safe. I was very wrong.

Everything seemed fine that fateful Tuesday, until I went outside for my 3p break at my office building. The smoke was really starting to thicken, and as I looked west I noticed that now I could actually see flames coming over the ridge above the scar with the naked eye. I ran and grabbed my camera:

But was I scared yet? Hell no! I just posted the picture on Facebook and went on working. I got some comments from friends asking why I was still there, and I just explained that it still wasn't really that close, I had used a really strong zoom lens to get this picture. Occasionally my coworkers would stop what they were doing to discuss the flames we were seeing, but most of us didn't think about leaving. Guess I still felt like the city was invincible, nothing bad would happen.

By 4 to 4:30p they started announcing the evacuation for Mountain Shadows. We still didn't shut down. The smoke kept getting thicker and thicker, and I was starting to hear a lot of sirens. We had been listening to the helicopters and planes all day, but this was really the first time I had heard actual sirens.  My boss said that they were starting to implement the emergency plan: what to take when we left, what to do about the refrigerated supplies, etc. When 5 pm rolled around, closing time, I asked if they needed me to stay and help shut things down. They said no, and I started for home. The sky gray and orange and the smoke was so thick it looked like night. For a brief instant, I thought about driving back up to Mesa Drive, but decided against it. I thought that I needed to hurry up and get out of the area to make room for all of the people trying to evacuate. The traffic was awful, but it still didn't take me much longer to get home.

I don't think the full extent of how close I was to the fire really hit me until I made it home. When I got home and turned on the news, I found out that the Flying W Ranch had burned to the ground and many other homes were burning. I think I went into shock. That's when it hit me as to how close I had been. They had extended the mandatory evac zone to the area that I worked at. When I later talked to my boss about what happened after I left, he told me how bad it got. He said that embers were falling on his car and everywhere else, and he really wasn't sure if he and my other boss were going to make it out. Still gives me heart palpitations thinking about it.

Next post, I'll go into the days following the fire jump.

Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 1

This has been an absolutely heartbreaking and devastating week for those of us in Colorado.  The Waldo Canyon fire ravaged several neighborhoods in our beautiful mountain side community of Colorado Springs, killing 2 people and incinerating 346 homes. This is only one of many fires happening in our state. It sometimes feels that the whole world is on fire.

When the fire first broke out, a week ago Saturday, it was at a popular hiking trail off of Highway 24. It was not immediately close to any structures, but close enough to several small towns to call for evacuations just in case. By the next day, the fire had grown, but it seemed like the towns were mostly out of danger and most residents were able to go home, with the exception of one housing development called Cedar Heights. (Please keep in mind that this is just my account of the fire based on what I remember, and all details may not be completely accurate.) By Monday, there was still not any containment to the fire and I was a little worried about having to deal with the smoke when I went to work, but I never thought that the fire would spread to our city. I just made sure I had my inhaler, but the smoke was never bad enough that day for me to use it. I drove to Mesa Road on my lunch, which overlooks Garden of the Gods, to see if I could get pictures of the smoke, and I did. Several areas had been closed as a precaution, but there had been no more evacuations.  The containment information didn't look promising, but from what I saw, everything looked like it was under control.

Tuesday morning was a little worse, but still didn't seem to be enough to really worry about. They had managed to keep the fire from spreading to the Cedar Heights development that everyone was worried about. The fire had spread and the smoke was worse (I had to use my inhaler twice) but I still went to Mesa Drive at lunchtime to take more pictures. I even got some good ones of the helicopters and the C-130 dumping retardant.

Little did I know what would happen just a couple of hours after these pictures were taken. I will post Part 2 tomorrow - I have to do this in pieces, it's just too emotional.

How Did I Live Without It?

My wonderful, adoring husband bought me a Kindle Fire for Christmas last year. He did it to prove he loves me. OK, so maybe I begged a little (or a lot).  I think he may be regretting that decision. Someone asked him how I liked it and he told them "My God, she even sleeps with it!" (He sounded a little disgusted at the time.) To be fair, I don't plan on sleeping with it, I just happen to fall asleep while reading (or playing Mah Jong or Angry Birds or checking Facebook, etc.). It's really not my fault.

I have always been an avid reader, the bookworm kid in school. As soon as I could read, I read anything and everything I could get my hands on. It was an obsession. I can spend hours in a used bookstore or library and never get enough. I've got piles of books at home that I've read over & over. I can't part with them, because I know I'll want to read them again someday. I usually have quite a few library fines, too. I will go to the library and check out way too many books. I never quite seem to be able to fit them all in, but I can't bear to return them until I've read them. Occasionally, it will be so bad that the library will put a hold on my account until I pay the fine. Kinda silly, isn't it?

When the first e-readers came out, I turned my nose up at them. I love the feel of a book in my hands, the pictures on the covers, everything all of us silly book snobs said when e-readers were new. But I saw how much fun my son was having with his iPod and all the cool things it could do & I wanted something like that too. I sure as hell wasn't going to pay the money for an iPod or an iPhone, but I still wanted something I could play with. Then the Kindle Fire came out. You couldn't beat the price and it looked like it did enough of what I would like that I wanted one. Best thing I ever did! I love this thing!

When I first got my Kindle, I downloaded all the free books I could find and all the free apps that everyone had been talking about, like Angry Birds.  I think I read one book right away, but then spent the next month just playing games. Once I got that out of my system, (OK, mostly out), I started checking into audio books and library books. Needless to say, I am hooked. I usually have two books going at once now: one audio book that I listen to while driving in my car (I commute two hours a day) and one digital book that I read on my breaks and at lunch. I don't know how I keep them straight. That's the problem with OCD personalities, we can't do anything small. Go big, or go home!

So needless to say, I give the Kindle Fire a standing ovation. I love it and don't know how I lived without it!

Better Than Martha

I am not a "domestic goddess" in any way, shape or form. I can't keep up with the dishes, laundry, kids, animals, etc. I work full time, commute almost 2 hours a day, and spend way too much time on my Kindle and Facebook. So needless to say, I've never been a big fan of women like Martha Stewart.

I know Martha has a lot of fans who think she is the greatest thing ever, but she comes across to me as a snobby perfectionist. I'll never forget the first time I saw her on Good Morning America many moons ago. She was showing Joan Lunden (I told you it was a looong time ago) how to make grits. Joan mentioned that she liked to eat grits for breakfast with a little butter, sugar and milk. This was also my favorite way to eat grits. Martha gave her a snobby look and told her in no uncertain terms that this was the wrong way to eat grits. Let me tell you, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right! How can there be a wrong way to eat grits? I mean, there are lots of people out there who eat different ways than me, but I wouldn't tell them they were wrong....just that I prefer it a different way.

I did try to give Martha a second chance when Oprah took notice of her. Come on, Oprah is amazing and if Oprah likes Martha, I should too, right? Nope, just couldn't do it. I'm sure I've gotten some helpful hints over the years (can't think of any right now), but I always felt as if I was being told that I was doing everything wrong. I remember one show when Martha demonstrated the proper way to vacuum. I'll admit, I tried it her way, and then decided there wasn't enough time in the day or antidepressants in my medicine cabinet to keep up with Martha. So I gave up on Martha, except to make fun of her when she was privileged enough to go to prison.

Imagine my delight when I wandered across the website for Ree Drummond - "The Pioneer Woman."  I feel as if I've met a kindred soul! She lives the ranch life in Oklahoma, has four children and a rugged, manly husband. She is funny, loves photography and cooks food that looks more comforting and delicious than gourmet. I think I have a crush!

I love that she calls her husband "Marlboro Man" and has him write his own posts on the day to day ranch operations. I don't live on a ranch, but I grew up in ranch country and it's always been one of my dreams to be able to have my own ranch. I also love that Ree posts photos of her family and animals and writes funny little poetry about them just because she wants to. She's not afraid to make fun of herself or seem a little corny.

I'm sure that there are people out there who feel the same way about PW that I feel about Martha, but you know what? I'm OK with that. She makes me laugh and that's what counts. So, thank you Ree, for entertaining me and brightening my days a little bit.

ACT's or Bust

My 16 year old son, Brandon, who is a junior in high school, is taking his ACT’s today. He seemed to be pretty nervous about them last night. He actually came and slept with me and his little brother because he thought he was going to have trouble sleeping. (This meant I had a full bed, which included the puppy, so I didn’t get a great night’s sleep.) I’m really hoping he does OK, but he has some pretty high expectations for himself and I don’t want him to become discouraged and give up if he doesn’t do well.

            It’s not that I don’t think he’ll do well, it’s just that these kids seem to me to have an unreasonable expectation of what they have to get on this test. He’s a smart kid, very capable if not a little bit of an underachiever. Things come easy for him and he knows it, so he doesn’t push himself as much as he could. When he does push himself, it’s an almost impossible goal. There is very little in-between for my son. When he told me he was shooting to get a 30 on the ACT’s, my first reaction was to laugh. I know, what a great mom! I instantly felt bad and tried to explain that I wasn’t laughing at him, but I had never personally known anyone to get that score and I had known several people that were considered “geniuses”. My boy didn’t care, that’s the score he was aiming for and that’s what he’s going to get.

            My niece told me about a girl in her class who is considered to be very smart. She took the test three times to get a score that she considered acceptable, a 27. A co-worker told me that one of his daughters is not a very good test taker and she worked her butt off to get a 23. What really surprised me it that he said that now this is not considered a very good score. I couldn’t believe it! I knew a bunch of people who would have been jumping up & down for joy for a 23 when I was in school!

            Have times really changed that much? My first reaction was that I don’t remember being that worked up or nervous over taking the ACT when I was in school a hundred thousand years ago. A score of 27 or higher was practically unheard of, except in those stories that start: “I have a friend, who has a friend, who knows this guy that got a 1000 on the ACT”. Of course, no one ever met the genius in person, it was just an urban myth. A score of 23 was way better than average. Is there really that much more pressure on our kids today?

            But once I thought about it more, I realized that it really hasn’t changed that much. Yeah, sure, maybe the scoring required for better schools has gone up, but the amount of pressure and anxiety is still the same. There are still the certain personality types out there that will spend countless hours studying and losing sleep trying to get the “perfect” score. Some will succeed and others won’t. There will be the kids on the other side of the coin, who couldn’t really care what score they get, but will walk into the test, sit down, finish first, walk out and forget about it, and they will get a better score than anyone else in the room.

I tended to be one of these kids. I was a great test taker, and could fake it without really knowing the material I was being tested on. Is it fair? Hell, no, but could I help it? I’ve tried for many years to tell myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this. I didn’t do anything wrong, I just happen to have a special knack for taking tests.  It’s hard, though, because it is a talent that really pisses off the people who struggle with taking tests. It sure as hell didn’t make me any friends. I took the ACT once, got a decent score, and stopped there. I didn’t lose any sleep over it one way or the other. I guess this is why my son’s nervousness surprises me. He also is a great test taker, and should be proud with whatever score he gets.

Once, many years ago, I mentioned to my mom that I did occasionally wonder what I could have gotten on my ACT if I had studied like everyone else, or retaken it. That’s when she told me her story. She was one of the kids who studied, worried and obsessed over tests. She took her SAT’s twice. On the first one she got a fairly decent score, but not what she wanted. So she studied twice as hard, retook the test, and did WORSE on the second one. Unfortunately, they didn’t take the best score, they only accepted the most recent score. She’s still upset by it all these years later, but it helped to teach the lesson that too much preparation can be as bad as not enough.

What’s the moral of my story? That I like to babble? I guess it’s that while I do not obsess about testing, I do obsess about my children and don’t want to see them anxious or disappointment. Please keep your fingers crossed for my son; I hope he gets what he wants so badly.