I Am Who I Am

I am one of those people who claims to not care what people think of me, and for the most part, it's true. I do tend to speak my mind and can be fairly blunt, but that doesn't mean I go out of my way to hurt or upset people. I try to be tactful and treat people the way I would like to be treated, but if someone doesn't agree with me, I'm fine with that. In other words, I am not a people pleaser. I have made some enemies, and that doesn't bother me.  I have found a strong group of friends who are like me and, for the most part, appreciate that I say what I feel, or will forgive me later.

There always seems to be one exception to the rule, though. For some reason, I think we all have a person or persons from our pasts or in our lives that we try a little harder to please, and it hurts more when we feel that they are upset with us. My exception is a person who I was very close to in high school. For about two years, we did everything together, and she was my best friend. We even went to the same college and planned on living together while there. However, she graduated from high school before I did, and that's when I started to realize that I was much more invested in the friendship than she was. She really seemed to be bothered by certain decisions I made, such as not finishing college and getting married fairly young, and she withdrew from me, instead of standing by me. I never expected her to agree with my decisions, but I also didn't expect her to be the kind of person who acts that if I didn't do things the way she thought I should, then I was no longer worthy of being her friend. These decisions didn't ruin my life, in fact, I still believe they were right for me. It hurt, but I moved on with my life and am happy with how things have turned out.

I do have to admit, though, that I still really miss that friendship and wonder why I wasn't good enough. I have reached out to her several times, and while I haven't been entirely rebuked, I have been met with a fairly lukewarm reception. The more I try, the more I realize how shallow and self-involved this person really is (which is what other people have told me for awhile, but I refused to believe it). I have been so angry at myself for holding on this long, for hoping that things can be like they used to and I can have my friend back. Why do I care so much, when I have so many other, better people in my life? It's just not healthy!

So, I made a very big decision today. This particular friend is in town and invited everyone to a local restaurant to catch up. I was invited, along with many other people, and I decided that I would give this one last shot. I would go, see her face to face, and see if I was really justified in my feelings. Late last night, I could think of nothing else. And I realized, that had the situations been reversed, she was important enough to me that I would have tried to get together one-on-one, not with a group. That's when I decided that I was done. I no longer need to know if we can be friends again, because I no longer want to be friends. I left a message saying I wouldn't be making it to the get-together and immediately felt a huge sense of relief. I do not need her.

Instead, I will no longer focus on what used to be and what is missing. I know it won't be easy, and I won't cut off contact completely, but I will no longer be the one to initiate.  I will remember that for every person who doesn't appreciate me, I have two more who would support and do anything for me. I know who I am, and will not be ashamed because I made choices that someone didn't agree with. But I will also take comfort in knowing that I tried, and was the better person because of it.