Loosely Based On

I've always loved stories that are "based on true events" or characters that are "loosely based" on real people. I guess I never really understood the concept that a character can be based on a real person without being exactly who that person is. I'm beginning to see how weird it can be, though, when those real people or events are people you know or events you've been through yourself. It turns out that it can be very surreal and even a little uncomfortable.

One of my former high school teachers, Robert Spiller, is now a published author and has written a series of mysteries loosely based on my high school, the area I live in and people I know. The man is one of the most talented people I have ever met. He has always been a brilliant storyteller in addition to being a math genius, singer, songwriter, etc. I had him for Geometry and Basic (you know, computer language before there was this little thing called Microsoft Windows). He would occasionally take time away from our lessons to tell these wonderful stories. Usually they were a little gross and disturbing, and we all ate it up. 

I was so excited when I found out that not only was he writing these mystery books, but that he picked our school and one of our teachers to use as his inspiration. He had taught in several other locations, so it felt special that we were the ones he picked. But, to be completely honest, it has made it a little hard to actually focus on the stories. I like to get lost in my reading, to be transported to a different place, but because I know the place I'm reading about, now I tend to get lost in the details. Just for the record, not one of these books is based on any real murders. We don't go around killing people out here in the boonies, but there are enough real life details in the stories to make them feel real to me.

Take the setting, for instance. When Mr. Spiller (he was my teacher, so that's how I still think of him) describes the high school hallways, common area, gym, classrooms, etc., I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DESCRIBING. I don't need to imagine it because I lived/live there. Not only is it the school I went to, in almost exact detail, it is the same school my children now go to.  Same goes for the many other locations he uses in the books: landmarks, highways, stores and towns. These are places I drive by every day.

What has been hardest for me to adjust to is the characters. The main character, Bonnie Pinkwater, is a math genius teacher who solves murders. This character is based off a real person who Mr. Spiller became very good friends with during his tenure at our little school. Not only was she my advanced math teacher, I have known her all my life. My mother was also a teacher in the district from the time she was pregnant with me, so I grew up knowing most of the teachers before ever having them in class. I have been to her house; I went to school with and graduated with her kids. The similarities between this teacher and the character are obvious.  It's the differences that get me. I can picture this wonderful lady's face in my head, but then "Bonnie" will say or do something in the book that I would never, in a million years, think that the real person would say or do. I believe I actually gasped out loud a couple of times. I'm telling you, it can be really weird! Not that it's anything bad, it's just that the "character" can be so "out of character" for the real person.

The third book in the series was actually a little painful for me to read on a personal level. I would be willing to bet money that I know the person that the murder victim was loosely based on. (This person is still very much alive by the way. Like I said, no real murders here!) That person was a good friend of mine in high school, and the struggles and prejudice the victim was exposed to in the book reminded me of the real life struggles and pain of my friend. Without meaning to, it brought back memories and resentments, and this was upsetting to me.

Now I am working on the fourth book. I've actually had it for awhile, but had been putting off reading it because I knew one of the pivotal events in the book is a tornado that demolishes the high school. This tornado really happened and our high school really was destroyed. I live only 2 miles away and remember the events as if they happened yesterday. I will never forget watching the hail come down in one direction in the front of my house and then seeing that it was coming down in the opposite direction in the back of my house. While my house was spared except for some hail damage, I have many friends and family who lost houses or vehicles or suffered major damage. Fortunately, no one died and we have rebuilt, but it was a very traumatic experience for our community.

Today, I got through the portion of the book where the tornado hits the school with Bonnie inside. I cried. I keep picturing the real person inside all that destruction, and it terrifies me. Bonnie survives (thank goodness!) and as she is surveying the damage, she comes across a wall that is amazingly still standing. It holds the basketball jersey of an exceptional basketball player who led her team to back to back state championships. This part of the story is also true. No one was in the school at the time of the tornado, but this wall was still standing. The basketball player is a real person. She is my sister's best friend, and I just spent the day with her a couple of months ago and got to meet her beautiful new baby. It's these little details that I find hard to let go.

Now, please, don't get me wrong, these are amazingly written books and I think everyone should read them. It just has given me a different perspective on stories that are based on true events. How painful must it be for survivors/families of 9-11 to see stories about that tragic event? Or soldiers' families? I hope I never have to find out.

Happy Frakkin' New Years

So it's that time of year again when one is supposed to resolve to do better - and I am already behind. Every year I waffle back and forth over whether to make resolutions or not. On the one hand, I understand that it is good to set goals and visualize and plan to make them happen. You can't just expect these wonderful things to transpire without planning, right? On the other hand, I am realistic enough to realize that I go way overboard and set too many goals, or choose things that I know I should do but don't really want to.

Here's what I feel like my resolution list should probably be:

1. Quit Smoking - yes, I am one of the evil smokers, but as I always say: "MY not smoking may be hazardous to YOUR health!"
2. Lose 20 lbs - I could probably do this just by cutting out my Pepsi intake but then life wouldn't be worth living
3. Keep the house cleaner - I still keep hoping Daddy Warbucks will adopt me and pay for a live-in housekeeper/cook
4. Be more organized - see #3
5. Meditate daily - the flute music on my guided meditation cd's keeps putting me to sleep
6. Cut back on stupid TV shows - do I really need to watch the Food Network channel as much as I do when I can't even plan a weekly menu for my own family?
7. Be a nicer, more positive person - not possible if I quit smoking & drinking Pepsi

Etc., etc., etc.  I could keep going but it probably ain't gonna happen.

Here's a much more realistic list for me:

1. Do not smoke while sleeping - believe it or not, this is how many house fires are started, but I think I can do it
2. Lose approximately 170 lbs - my oldest son will be 18 in May and is counting the days until he can move out
3. Do dishes and laundry as soon as we run out of spoons/underwear
4. Be more organized - see #3
5. Fall asleep nightly to my guided meditation cd's
6. DVR "Duck Dynasty"
7. Pet the dog once a day and not flip off every asshole driver I see

Now these I can do, but seeing as how I already do them, it's really not much of a challenge.

I have seen how some people are just picking one all encompassing word to focus on for the new year. You have to pick a word that simplifies all your desires and makes it easier to accomplish. The first word that came to mind for me was "Survive". However, that's what I've been doing and it really doesn't sound all that positive, so maybe I should try to spin it to make it sound better. Should I instead pick "Live" or "Breathe"? Then I remembered that I have a doctor's appointment coming up next week to get a new prescription for anti-depressants, so I think my word of the year will be "Lexapro" or "Medicated".

I'm pretty sure that will make my family happy.

Working Mom Blues

I came to terms with having to work full time instead of being a stay at home mom a long time ago.  I believe moms should be able to stay home or work without having to feel guilty or argue about which is better. It's a truly personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves. I like being able to have an "outside" life separate from my family. I find I am have a tendency to feel smothered and isolated when I don't work outside the house.

Inevitably, though, there are some times that I absolutely feel as if I am missing out on my children's lives and it makes me extremely depressed. My 5 year old will be having his class Halloween Party next week, and I was hoping to be able to leave work early to go. I was so excited and was making all sorts of plans for early trick or treating after the party. Unfortunately, I just found out that my co-worker will be taking the day off, which means I probably won't be able to leave early. I'm not a big cry-baby, but I almost burst into tears when I found out.

I should know better, I should have gone to my manager and asked for the time off last week, but I put it off. And maybe, just maybe, I still might be able to work something out. My mom's already planning on going, so at least someone will make the party, which will make my son happy. But as of right this moment, my heart is broken and I the song that is playing in my head is: "It's the End of the World as We Know It".

Books, Books & More Books

Ever since I got my new Kindle Fire, I've been reading up a storm. Audio books, library books, free downloaded Amazon books, you name it, I'm reading it.

My favorite genre is Sci Fi/Fantasy, but I've decided that it's time to branch out and try some new types. However, I had no idea where to start. I thought I would check out the internet for recommended reading and from there I've created lists of books to read. (More OCD, anyone?) I think I went a little overboard, though. I don't think I'll ever get through all of these lists! I already had lists started for my favorite authors: Madeline L'Engle, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Terry Brooks and Anne McCaffery. Now I've added more:

• Oprah's Book Club (Crap, now she's got Book Club 2.0, guess it's time to update again)
• NPR's Top 100 Science Fiction Books (so much for branching out)

There's another couple of lists that I've lost the links for, but include "classics" such as "The Great Gatsby". Most of what I've read I've really enjoyed, but I find that I still really lean towards the sci fi books. Of course, once I finish reading a good book, I look for the movie on Netflix, but that's a different list obsession for another day.

Happy Reading!

Look What I Did!

When I was younger I used to spend a lot of time painting my nails with unique (for me) designs and colors. I always loved doing it, but as I got older and had less time for myself, I stopped doing it. Oh, I would occasionally get a wild hair and do something, but for the most part I stopped painting my nails completely.

Recently, I had the urge to paint some designs again, and looked on the internet for some ideas and inspiration. My Goodness, there are a lot of really talented people out there! So while I am not nearly so gifted with artistic abilities, I did manage to design something that I am very happy with.

Watchya think? Not too shabby for an amateur, eh?

Yellowstone Vacation

Every year we try to take a family vacation. This year we couldn't agree on our destination, so we let our five year old pick. He chose Yellowstone. We had taken our oldest son there about nine years ago, but the little one had never been, so we let him have his way.

If you have never been to Yellowstone, add it to your to-do list. It is an amazing and surprising place. It was nothing like I expected. I grew up in Colorado where we have lots of mountains, lakes, parks, and forests, and I guess I expected to see the same things in Yellowstone. Don't get me wrong, it has all of those things, but it also has so much more!

What makes Yellowstone so unique? It is located in a giant volcanic caldera, or supervolcano. It is the largest supervolcano on our continent and is active. Half of the world's geothermal features, such as geysers, hot springs, mud pots and fumaroles are found here. It is like being on a different planet in places. The first time we went, in 2003, there was so much new volcanic activity going on, that some of the features were closed to visitors. They were recording ground temperatures over 200 degrees in these places. The geysers were all erupting more often than usual and we saw so much that was so super cool. This time, there wasn't near as much activity, which was a little disappointing, but we still had a great time.

One of the other great things about Yellowstone is the wildlife. Being from Colorado, I'm used to seeing lots of wildlife, but I have never seen so many different types so close to each other in one day. Our first day there we saw: a moose, grizzly bear, elk, bison, canadian geese and pelicans. Over the course of our visit, we would see many more bison, elk, some deer, antelope and we think we even saw the outline of a wolf chasing a bison herd. Of course, you also see a whole lot of stupid humans trying to get as close as possible to the animals for a great picture. Not the brightest, people!

The one thing that really disappointed me was the mountains. I have not really spent a lot of time outside of Colorado, and I always assumed that other places had mountains like we do. I was really wrong! So far, I have seen nothing to rival our wonderful Colorado mountain ranges. I always laugh when I see the t-shirts they sell in Yellowstone that say: Got Oxygen, Elevation 8,000 feet. We get these t-shirts in Colorado, and for us, 8,000 feet is nothing. My son works at a restaurant on Mt. Evans by Idaho Springs at over 10,000 feet. Of course, Mt. Evans is one of the many Fourteener's here in Colorado, and I never realized how many of them we have here in Colorado. I will not take them for granted any more!

So if you've ever thought about going to Yellowstone but haven't, please do it. If you like nature and walking, it's ideal. If you don't like the Great Outdoors, you probably won't like it, but we had a wonderful time!

School Year's Resolutions

Tomorrow is the first day of school for both of my kids. My 17 year old will be a senior and my 5 year old will be in Kindergarten. For those of you who just did the math in their heads, here goes:

Yes, my children are 12 years apart.

No, we didn't plan it that way.

Yes, they have the same father (and mother).

Yes, we understand what causes this.

No, we do not plan on doing this every 12 years.

Ok, so now that that's out of the way...

Every year I make "School Year Resolutions". This is going to be the year that I will be organized, prepared and everything will go like clockwork.  I will:

• Make the kids go to bed at a decent hour
• Make healthy breakfasts/lunches every day
• Get up at a decent hour so we can be on time and clean
• Check homework/paperwork every night
• Keep in contact with teachers to make sure the boys are doing well

Unfortunately, I am so much better at planning than doing. I've never before been able to accomplish this with one kid in school, and now I've got two.

Please wish me luck. Or send lots of wine if you feel inclined to do so.

I Am Who I Am

I am one of those people who claims to not care what people think of me, and for the most part, it's true. I do tend to speak my mind and can be fairly blunt, but that doesn't mean I go out of my way to hurt or upset people. I try to be tactful and treat people the way I would like to be treated, but if someone doesn't agree with me, I'm fine with that. In other words, I am not a people pleaser. I have made some enemies, and that doesn't bother me.  I have found a strong group of friends who are like me and, for the most part, appreciate that I say what I feel, or will forgive me later.

There always seems to be one exception to the rule, though. For some reason, I think we all have a person or persons from our pasts or in our lives that we try a little harder to please, and it hurts more when we feel that they are upset with us. My exception is a person who I was very close to in high school. For about two years, we did everything together, and she was my best friend. We even went to the same college and planned on living together while there. However, she graduated from high school before I did, and that's when I started to realize that I was much more invested in the friendship than she was. She really seemed to be bothered by certain decisions I made, such as not finishing college and getting married fairly young, and she withdrew from me, instead of standing by me. I never expected her to agree with my decisions, but I also didn't expect her to be the kind of person who acts that if I didn't do things the way she thought I should, then I was no longer worthy of being her friend. These decisions didn't ruin my life, in fact, I still believe they were right for me. It hurt, but I moved on with my life and am happy with how things have turned out.

I do have to admit, though, that I still really miss that friendship and wonder why I wasn't good enough. I have reached out to her several times, and while I haven't been entirely rebuked, I have been met with a fairly lukewarm reception. The more I try, the more I realize how shallow and self-involved this person really is (which is what other people have told me for awhile, but I refused to believe it). I have been so angry at myself for holding on this long, for hoping that things can be like they used to and I can have my friend back. Why do I care so much, when I have so many other, better people in my life? It's just not healthy!

So, I made a very big decision today. This particular friend is in town and invited everyone to a local restaurant to catch up. I was invited, along with many other people, and I decided that I would give this one last shot. I would go, see her face to face, and see if I was really justified in my feelings. Late last night, I could think of nothing else. And I realized, that had the situations been reversed, she was important enough to me that I would have tried to get together one-on-one, not with a group. That's when I decided that I was done. I no longer need to know if we can be friends again, because I no longer want to be friends. I left a message saying I wouldn't be making it to the get-together and immediately felt a huge sense of relief. I do not need her.

Instead, I will no longer focus on what used to be and what is missing. I know it won't be easy, and I won't cut off contact completely, but I will no longer be the one to initiate.  I will remember that for every person who doesn't appreciate me, I have two more who would support and do anything for me. I know who I am, and will not be ashamed because I made choices that someone didn't agree with. But I will also take comfort in knowing that I tried, and was the better person because of it.

Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 3

For the next two days after the fire, I was in complete shock. The area that I worked in was under mandatory evacuation, so I couldn't go to work. This left me sitting in front of the TV watching hours and hours of new footage on the fire. It was devastating. I couldn't do anything else.

I still couldn't believe how close I had been to the area that was burning. The videos of the houses burning were heartbreaking. I was worried about my job and then felt guilty. People were losing their homes, while I was sitting safe & sound at home worrying abut my livelihood. Several times the smoke was so thick, even at my house 30 miles away, that it was hard to breath and I couldn't go outside.

I was home alone with my 5 year old, who was scared but didn't really understand too much what was going on. My husband and oldest son both work out of the area, which makes it harder. Whenever we aren't together and something like this happens, my mind starts imagining all the bad things that could happen to them. Fortunately, my oldest was able to come home the second day I was home, which did help. I was comforted by the fact that we were together and I knew he was safe.

Thursday night, they lifted the evacuations for my workplace and I got the call that we would be able to go back to work on Friday. I was so relieved! I had been so worried about the fire getting the office or having to shut down for much longer. It had taken me nine months to find this job and I loved it; I didn't want to go through the whole unemployment process ever again.

Friday, the rebuilding started, for some of us. We went back to work and got everything running again. The building smelled of smoke, but nothing had been damaged. Four of my coworkers and their families had to be evacuated from their homes due to the fire, but none of them lost their houses. They also came back to work on Friday, even though they couldn't go home yet. Listening to their stories just reinforced how lucky they had all been. None of them had to go to the shelters; they were able to stay with friends. Most didn't even have smoke damage. Many of the roads in the area were still blocked off, and it seemed a little like a ghost town. But it felt so good to be active, instead of sitting around, wondering whether everything was going to be OK or not.

Every day since then has been better and better. Most of the evacuations are now lifted and we are finally getting some rain. Of course, this means we have to worry about flooding in the damaged areas, but it's still better than the alternative. There was a wonderful benefit concert at the World Arena, which I was able to watch on TV. The community really came together to help out and acknowledge how amazing these wonderful firefighters have been.

It's nice to not worry about the fire every minute now. Then I remember the people who lost their homes or loved ones and feel guilty again...

Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 2

In my last post, I talked about the first several days of my personal experience with the Waldo Canyon Fire - the fire that would go down in history as the most destructive fire in Colorado history.

As I stated in that post, I really wasn't very worried about the fire. I had complete faith that, while we may lose quite a bit of forest land, our city would be safe. I was very wrong.

Everything seemed fine that fateful Tuesday, until I went outside for my 3p break at my office building. The smoke was really starting to thicken, and as I looked west I noticed that now I could actually see flames coming over the ridge above the scar with the naked eye. I ran and grabbed my camera:

But was I scared yet? Hell no! I just posted the picture on Facebook and went on working. I got some comments from friends asking why I was still there, and I just explained that it still wasn't really that close, I had used a really strong zoom lens to get this picture. Occasionally my coworkers would stop what they were doing to discuss the flames we were seeing, but most of us didn't think about leaving. Guess I still felt like the city was invincible, nothing bad would happen.

By 4 to 4:30p they started announcing the evacuation for Mountain Shadows. We still didn't shut down. The smoke kept getting thicker and thicker, and I was starting to hear a lot of sirens. We had been listening to the helicopters and planes all day, but this was really the first time I had heard actual sirens.  My boss said that they were starting to implement the emergency plan: what to take when we left, what to do about the refrigerated supplies, etc. When 5 pm rolled around, closing time, I asked if they needed me to stay and help shut things down. They said no, and I started for home. The sky gray and orange and the smoke was so thick it looked like night. For a brief instant, I thought about driving back up to Mesa Drive, but decided against it. I thought that I needed to hurry up and get out of the area to make room for all of the people trying to evacuate. The traffic was awful, but it still didn't take me much longer to get home.

I don't think the full extent of how close I was to the fire really hit me until I made it home. When I got home and turned on the news, I found out that the Flying W Ranch had burned to the ground and many other homes were burning. I think I went into shock. That's when it hit me as to how close I had been. They had extended the mandatory evac zone to the area that I worked at. When I later talked to my boss about what happened after I left, he told me how bad it got. He said that embers were falling on his car and everywhere else, and he really wasn't sure if he and my other boss were going to make it out. Still gives me heart palpitations thinking about it.

Next post, I'll go into the days following the fire jump.

Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 1

This has been an absolutely heartbreaking and devastating week for those of us in Colorado.  The Waldo Canyon fire ravaged several neighborhoods in our beautiful mountain side community of Colorado Springs, killing 2 people and incinerating 346 homes. This is only one of many fires happening in our state. It sometimes feels that the whole world is on fire.

When the fire first broke out, a week ago Saturday, it was at a popular hiking trail off of Highway 24. It was not immediately close to any structures, but close enough to several small towns to call for evacuations just in case. By the next day, the fire had grown, but it seemed like the towns were mostly out of danger and most residents were able to go home, with the exception of one housing development called Cedar Heights. (Please keep in mind that this is just my account of the fire based on what I remember, and all details may not be completely accurate.) By Monday, there was still not any containment to the fire and I was a little worried about having to deal with the smoke when I went to work, but I never thought that the fire would spread to our city. I just made sure I had my inhaler, but the smoke was never bad enough that day for me to use it. I drove to Mesa Road on my lunch, which overlooks Garden of the Gods, to see if I could get pictures of the smoke, and I did. Several areas had been closed as a precaution, but there had been no more evacuations.  The containment information didn't look promising, but from what I saw, everything looked like it was under control.

Tuesday morning was a little worse, but still didn't seem to be enough to really worry about. They had managed to keep the fire from spreading to the Cedar Heights development that everyone was worried about. The fire had spread and the smoke was worse (I had to use my inhaler twice) but I still went to Mesa Drive at lunchtime to take more pictures. I even got some good ones of the helicopters and the C-130 dumping retardant.

Little did I know what would happen just a couple of hours after these pictures were taken. I will post Part 2 tomorrow - I have to do this in pieces, it's just too emotional.

How Did I Live Without It?

My wonderful, adoring husband bought me a Kindle Fire for Christmas last year. He did it to prove he loves me. OK, so maybe I begged a little (or a lot).  I think he may be regretting that decision. Someone asked him how I liked it and he told them "My God, she even sleeps with it!" (He sounded a little disgusted at the time.) To be fair, I don't plan on sleeping with it, I just happen to fall asleep while reading (or playing Mah Jong or Angry Birds or checking Facebook, etc.). It's really not my fault.

I have always been an avid reader, the bookworm kid in school. As soon as I could read, I read anything and everything I could get my hands on. It was an obsession. I can spend hours in a used bookstore or library and never get enough. I've got piles of books at home that I've read over & over. I can't part with them, because I know I'll want to read them again someday. I usually have quite a few library fines, too. I will go to the library and check out way too many books. I never quite seem to be able to fit them all in, but I can't bear to return them until I've read them. Occasionally, it will be so bad that the library will put a hold on my account until I pay the fine. Kinda silly, isn't it?

When the first e-readers came out, I turned my nose up at them. I love the feel of a book in my hands, the pictures on the covers, everything all of us silly book snobs said when e-readers were new. But I saw how much fun my son was having with his iPod and all the cool things it could do & I wanted something like that too. I sure as hell wasn't going to pay the money for an iPod or an iPhone, but I still wanted something I could play with. Then the Kindle Fire came out. You couldn't beat the price and it looked like it did enough of what I would like that I wanted one. Best thing I ever did! I love this thing!

When I first got my Kindle, I downloaded all the free books I could find and all the free apps that everyone had been talking about, like Angry Birds.  I think I read one book right away, but then spent the next month just playing games. Once I got that out of my system, (OK, mostly out), I started checking into audio books and library books. Needless to say, I am hooked. I usually have two books going at once now: one audio book that I listen to while driving in my car (I commute two hours a day) and one digital book that I read on my breaks and at lunch. I don't know how I keep them straight. That's the problem with OCD personalities, we can't do anything small. Go big, or go home!

So needless to say, I give the Kindle Fire a standing ovation. I love it and don't know how I lived without it!

Better Than Martha

I am not a "domestic goddess" in any way, shape or form. I can't keep up with the dishes, laundry, kids, animals, etc. I work full time, commute almost 2 hours a day, and spend way too much time on my Kindle and Facebook. So needless to say, I've never been a big fan of women like Martha Stewart.

I know Martha has a lot of fans who think she is the greatest thing ever, but she comes across to me as a snobby perfectionist. I'll never forget the first time I saw her on Good Morning America many moons ago. She was showing Joan Lunden (I told you it was a looong time ago) how to make grits. Joan mentioned that she liked to eat grits for breakfast with a little butter, sugar and milk. This was also my favorite way to eat grits. Martha gave her a snobby look and told her in no uncertain terms that this was the wrong way to eat grits. Let me tell you, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right! How can there be a wrong way to eat grits? I mean, there are lots of people out there who eat different ways than me, but I wouldn't tell them they were wrong....just that I prefer it a different way.

I did try to give Martha a second chance when Oprah took notice of her. Come on, Oprah is amazing and if Oprah likes Martha, I should too, right? Nope, just couldn't do it. I'm sure I've gotten some helpful hints over the years (can't think of any right now), but I always felt as if I was being told that I was doing everything wrong. I remember one show when Martha demonstrated the proper way to vacuum. I'll admit, I tried it her way, and then decided there wasn't enough time in the day or antidepressants in my medicine cabinet to keep up with Martha. So I gave up on Martha, except to make fun of her when she was privileged enough to go to prison.

Imagine my delight when I wandered across the website for Ree Drummond - "The Pioneer Woman."  I feel as if I've met a kindred soul! She lives the ranch life in Oklahoma, has four children and a rugged, manly husband. She is funny, loves photography and cooks food that looks more comforting and delicious than gourmet. I think I have a crush!

I love that she calls her husband "Marlboro Man" and has him write his own posts on the day to day ranch operations. I don't live on a ranch, but I grew up in ranch country and it's always been one of my dreams to be able to have my own ranch. I also love that Ree posts photos of her family and animals and writes funny little poetry about them just because she wants to. She's not afraid to make fun of herself or seem a little corny.

I'm sure that there are people out there who feel the same way about PW that I feel about Martha, but you know what? I'm OK with that. She makes me laugh and that's what counts. So, thank you Ree, for entertaining me and brightening my days a little bit.

ACT's or Bust

My 16 year old son, Brandon, who is a junior in high school, is taking his ACT’s today. He seemed to be pretty nervous about them last night. He actually came and slept with me and his little brother because he thought he was going to have trouble sleeping. (This meant I had a full bed, which included the puppy, so I didn’t get a great night’s sleep.) I’m really hoping he does OK, but he has some pretty high expectations for himself and I don’t want him to become discouraged and give up if he doesn’t do well.

            It’s not that I don’t think he’ll do well, it’s just that these kids seem to me to have an unreasonable expectation of what they have to get on this test. He’s a smart kid, very capable if not a little bit of an underachiever. Things come easy for him and he knows it, so he doesn’t push himself as much as he could. When he does push himself, it’s an almost impossible goal. There is very little in-between for my son. When he told me he was shooting to get a 30 on the ACT’s, my first reaction was to laugh. I know, what a great mom! I instantly felt bad and tried to explain that I wasn’t laughing at him, but I had never personally known anyone to get that score and I had known several people that were considered “geniuses”. My boy didn’t care, that’s the score he was aiming for and that’s what he’s going to get.

            My niece told me about a girl in her class who is considered to be very smart. She took the test three times to get a score that she considered acceptable, a 27. A co-worker told me that one of his daughters is not a very good test taker and she worked her butt off to get a 23. What really surprised me it that he said that now this is not considered a very good score. I couldn’t believe it! I knew a bunch of people who would have been jumping up & down for joy for a 23 when I was in school!

            Have times really changed that much? My first reaction was that I don’t remember being that worked up or nervous over taking the ACT when I was in school a hundred thousand years ago. A score of 27 or higher was practically unheard of, except in those stories that start: “I have a friend, who has a friend, who knows this guy that got a 1000 on the ACT”. Of course, no one ever met the genius in person, it was just an urban myth. A score of 23 was way better than average. Is there really that much more pressure on our kids today?

            But once I thought about it more, I realized that it really hasn’t changed that much. Yeah, sure, maybe the scoring required for better schools has gone up, but the amount of pressure and anxiety is still the same. There are still the certain personality types out there that will spend countless hours studying and losing sleep trying to get the “perfect” score. Some will succeed and others won’t. There will be the kids on the other side of the coin, who couldn’t really care what score they get, but will walk into the test, sit down, finish first, walk out and forget about it, and they will get a better score than anyone else in the room.

I tended to be one of these kids. I was a great test taker, and could fake it without really knowing the material I was being tested on. Is it fair? Hell, no, but could I help it? I’ve tried for many years to tell myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this. I didn’t do anything wrong, I just happen to have a special knack for taking tests.  It’s hard, though, because it is a talent that really pisses off the people who struggle with taking tests. It sure as hell didn’t make me any friends. I took the ACT once, got a decent score, and stopped there. I didn’t lose any sleep over it one way or the other. I guess this is why my son’s nervousness surprises me. He also is a great test taker, and should be proud with whatever score he gets.

Once, many years ago, I mentioned to my mom that I did occasionally wonder what I could have gotten on my ACT if I had studied like everyone else, or retaken it. That’s when she told me her story. She was one of the kids who studied, worried and obsessed over tests. She took her SAT’s twice. On the first one she got a fairly decent score, but not what she wanted. So she studied twice as hard, retook the test, and did WORSE on the second one. Unfortunately, they didn’t take the best score, they only accepted the most recent score. She’s still upset by it all these years later, but it helped to teach the lesson that too much preparation can be as bad as not enough.

What’s the moral of my story? That I like to babble? I guess it’s that while I do not obsess about testing, I do obsess about my children and don’t want to see them anxious or disappointment. Please keep your fingers crossed for my son; I hope he gets what he wants so badly.

Censorship - not so black & white

My son brought home a permission slip for a book for his English class. The book is called "American Gods" and is written by Neil Gaiman, and Gaiman has won quite a few awards for his writing. However, the book contains "sexual encounters, graphic violence similar to crucifixion, and strong language throughout".  I have to admit that my first reaction was to be upset that my kid needs permission to read. He is almost 17 years old and a junior in high school. I cannot think of a book out there that I wouldn't let him read. I've always been very against censorship of any kind. My thinking is this: How can you expect people to make informed decisions and learn to think for themselves if you limit what information they have access to? So, of course, I signed the permission slip and returned it to my son.

Today, I thought about it some more and realized how much I've changed over the years. When I was my son's age, they had just started talking about using a rating system for music. It was during the time that people were boycotting Ozzy Osbourne, Judas Priest, Metallica and others. They were saying that this type of music promoted drugs, suicide and satanism...and this was the music I loved. I was very passionate about it, and no one was going to tell me what I could listen to, or read. I thought these people were idiots. They didn't understand, and wouldn't take the time to listen to find out what the music really was about. I was never going to be like that!

Fast forward many years to when my oldest son was little and just starting to find out what kind of music he liked. He wanted to listen to Rap: Eminem, Snoop Dog, Lil Bow Wow...stuff I didn't listen to at all. By this time, the rating/warning system was in place and I hated to admit it, but I was grateful for it. Now I knew which CD's contained explicit language or strong themes and it was helping me to decide what to let him listen to. After all, he was still little, only about 7 or 8 years old, and I didn't want him hearing the profanity or other things. Now we could buy clean versions of music - it was a compromise of sorts. He wasn't always happy about it, but he could still listen to some of what he wanted and I didn't have to sit and listen to hours of music that I could barely tolerate. That's when I realized that the issue wasn't nearly as black and white as I thought it was.  We have been using a rating system for years for movies, and while it isn't perfect, it's better than nothing. These systems have given me, as a parent, a better opportunity to learn with my son while still protecting him and not having to shelter him from everything.

So, is the permission slip a good thing? I looked the book up and read a summary of the plot and decided that it probably was. While I no longer limit what my son has access to, I could see why some parents might have a problem with this book and want their children to read something else. I believe that I have given my son the decision making skills to choose his own path, but I am also glad that I still know most of what is going on in his life. I do believe that this is a good book for him, as it is something that may challenge his thinking while keeping him interested. It's the kind of book I would choose for myself, and I do plan on reading it. But I've also realized that the permission slip is not the same thing as censorship - it's just giving an option and opening up dialog, which in my opinion is always a good thing.

Spring Fever

It's that time of year - when the weather turns warmer for a couple of days between snow storms and you start noticing the signs that spring is really on it's way. I love this time of year. Some years I really start to get "cabin fever" and cannot wait for spring to show up with all the new buds and daffodils and tulips and babies...but this year is different. I am excited that spring is coming. I see the signs everywhere: the grass is turning green underneath the snow, the trees are budding. But I do not feel impatient for full blown spring; I am willing to savor the slow changing from winter to spring.

We have had more of an actual winter here this year than we've had in many years, and I've really enjoyed it. It's been nice to see snow covering my lawn for weeks instead of a day. It reminds me of the winters we had when I was a kid where there was enough snow to build snow forts and tunnels and you could pretend to cross-country ski to the neighbors. I loved those winters, even when there was so much snow we had to dig out the front door and the neighbors would get together to dig out the roads. (I grew up in the country where side roads are not always plowed or even maintained at all.) And in reality, here in Colorado, we are in what is historically the snowiest month of the year.  I remember fondly being snowed in on my birthday, which almost always falls during Spring Break at the end of March. We are even known for getting big snows in April, which happened when my youngest was born 5 years ago, and we lost power for a week and had to go stay with my parents. We would get enough snow that the top of Pikes Peak was white more months than not...I've really missed that.

But I still love the transition from winter into spring. One of my friends on facebook talked about going to a ranch today to watch the calves being born. This is one of my absolute favorite things about this time of year. I commute 35 miles to work each way and the majority of it is on a rural highway through many pastures. This time of year is when you see the new baby cows playing in the fields, chasing and head butting each other. I can literally feel the new energy in the air as Mother Earth wakes from her hibernation...it is refreshing and invigorating. Soon, the birds will be singing and we'll see the first robins chattering to each other on the top of my chain link fence. The daffodils will be poking up soon, and we can start the planting of the vegetable garden. (We always either start way too late or way too early - I think this will be one of the early years.)

My husband is feeling it this year, too. We went to Lowe's to buy tools and spent most of the time wandering the gardening section, picking out seeds and planning the next outdoor project. We raked and cleaned the yard today; he watered trees and tried to start the rototiller. The puppies and Matt ran and played and enjoyed the wonderful weather together.

So, yes, I do have "Spring Fever". But this year, I've decided to enjoy the little bits as it comes because I don't want to miss anything.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

I have heard several people over the last several years throw out the idea that welfare recipients should undergo mandatory sterilization to keep them from continuing to have children and sucking the tax payers dry.  It seems that this idea has been met fairly favorably by many.  I myself have even been guilty of saying things like “Stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed.”  In my defense, I am mostly being facetious, but I think we have all felt that way at times.  However, something made me stop and seriously consider this matter today.  There was a news article on the internet about a woman who was raped in 1967 when she was only 13 years old, became pregnant and was then sterilized without her consent.  She was determined by the state of North Carolina to be “mentally inferior and promiscuous”.  She didn’t even realize that this had been done to her until later when she was married, attending college and wanted to have more children.

This, of course, led me to do more research.  I was absolutely appalled at what I found.  It turns out that the United States was the first country to undertake compulsory sterilization programs for the purpose of “Eugenics”.  Eugenics is the applied science which advocates practices aimed at improving the genetic make-up of a population, usually referring to human populations and it was very popular in the early 1900’s.   Proponents believed that people with certain hereditary disabilities such as deafness, epilepsy, blindness, mental illness or retardation, and/or physical deformities should not be allowed to marry or have children.  Laws were passed in 33 states allowing forced sterilization for people with these conditions.  While these laws were still active, over 65,000 individuals were sterilized without their consent.

While most of these sterilizations were performed in psychiatric hospitals or homes for the mentally disabled, many were also carried out on poor women in the welfare system.  All it took was labeling someone with a mental illness and they could be forced to undergo tubal ligations.  In many instances, the patients were only told the surgery was for birth control and were never aware that it would be permanent. 

So what exactly was it that made the United States have second thoughts on forced sterilization for the good of all?  Two words:  Adolf Hitler.  When Nazis were tried for war crimes after WWII, they claimed that American eugenics policies had inspired Hitler’s purification laws.  They couldn’t understand why we didn’t support their cause when we were, in essence, working for the same goals.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am 100% Pro-Choice.  Birth control is important.  I believe we need more education and easier access to birth control.  But I also don’t think that my government or any one else who thinks I may not be good enough should be able to make that decision for me.  Just look around you – how many of your family or friends might not be here today if these laws were still on the books and actively enforced?  What if someone told you that you couldn’t have any children because you were too poor, or take anti-depressants, or at age 13 you were raped and therefore must be promiscuous?  Where do we draw the line?

Now please excuse me while I go watch “Forrest Gump”.

Let's try that again

I am so happy! I got everything done today! Ok, you can stop laughing now, of course that never happened.  I did better than yesterday: got enough laundry done for tomorrow, got enough dishes done for dinner, helped my preschooler with his homework and even managed to feed the family twice.  Unfortunately, my house still looks like it was hit by a tornado.  Where the hell is my fairy godmother?

Oh well, I guess I'll go to bed now.  Wait, it's Sunday night, which means Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon on Chiller.  I don't really need sleep, do I?

Another One Bites the Dust

I had plans to get so many things done this weekend and just realized that it's after Midnight (early Sunday morning) and I haven't gotten a damn thing done.  So once again, I start the vicious circle of self loathing and promising to do better.  The new plan is to get up early (yeah, right!), start dishes & laundry, pick up the house, run to town for Tony, help Matt with homework (for PRESCHOOL - UGH!), and yadda, yadda, yadda....

To be fair, I wasn't completely lazy today.  I did go to the store for Pepsi and donuts for breakfast.  I also took Brandon's truck to pick him up from a friend's house and ran out of gas in the process.  That was fun! I stopped by my friends' house to try to pay for Matt's daycare and turn in my Pampered Chef order.  (Crap, she wasn't home so I'll have to add that to tomorrow's list.) I played on Facebook and did one whole load of laundry.  I even grilled hamburgers for dinner.  That's being productive, right? Does it matter that I did all of these things in my PJ's? Does it really matter that the TV was a babysitter again? Or that the dog practically had to chew her own leg off to prove how hungry she was so that I would get up and fill her dog bowl?  At least I worked on the new Facebook friends lists, because the world would probably have ended if I hadn't gotten that done.

Oh well, we'll try again tomorrow.  Wish me luck!

Just Another Manic Tuesday

I don't really feel unemployed because I spend so much time looking for a job.  I applied for 6 more jobs today, took yet another employment test and tried to follow up on the 11 jobs I applied for last week.  There are definitely some perks to not working.  I'm spending more time with my kids and have been able to attend more school and sport functions.  My daycare bill is non-existent.  My gas bill and automobile maintenance are much lower.  The hours are good, and I don't have to get dressed up or even dress at all if I don't want to.  I know I'll miss these things when I go back to work, but the cons are pretty big, too.  The pay sucks!  I am fortunate to be receiving emergency unemployment, but I know it's got to end sometime.  And some of the perks are also some of downfalls.  I love my 3 year old, but I am so sick of watching cartoons:  Mickey Mouse, Handy Manny and the millions of Disney movies we have.  I hear the theme songs in my sleep.  My leg hair is growing wild and free, and my idea of doing my hair is throwing on a bandana.  I'm surprised that my husband doesn't care about how I look, I've let myself go so bad.  I absolutely hate to clean house, so I sit here trying to come up with any excuse not to clean. Ultimately, I end up feeling guilty when I see the state of disarray the house is in.  I plan on getting to it; I should have no problem being Super Mom now.  I have images in my head of what my perfect life is now.  The dishes and laundry are always done.  I work out daily.  I pack amazingly tasty and nutritious lunches for the family.  I walk the dog and take the little one to the park.  The reality, though, is my biggest flaw:  execution.  I am great at planning how everything should be.  I just can't seem to get off my butt to get anything done.  I also miss having a life of my own.  I miss adult conversation.  Sadly, I even miss gossip.  I miss the solitary time spent on the daily commute where I don't have to answer the endless "Why?" questions or have to look for the items my husband has misplaced.   Man, I need a job!