I am one of those people who claims to not care what people think of me, and for the most part, it's true. I do tend to speak my mind and can be fairly blunt, but that doesn't mean I go out of my way to hurt or upset people. I try to be tactful and treat people the way I would like to be treated, but if someone doesn't agree with me, I'm fine with that. In other words, I am not a people pleaser. I have made some enemies, and that doesn't bother me. I have found a strong group of friends who are like me and, for the most part, appreciate that I say what I feel, or will forgive me later.
There always seems to be one exception to the rule, though. For some reason, I think we all have a person or persons from our pasts or in our lives that we try a little harder to please, and it hurts more when we feel that they are upset with us. My exception is a person who I was very close to in high school. For about two years, we did everything together, and she was my best friend. We even went to the same college and planned on living together while there. However, she graduated from high school before I did, and that's when I started to realize that I was much more invested in the friendship than she was. She really seemed to be bothered by certain decisions I made, such as not finishing college and getting married fairly young, and she withdrew from me, instead of standing by me. I never expected her to agree with my decisions, but I also didn't expect her to be the kind of person who acts that if I didn't do things the way she thought I should, then I was no longer worthy of being her friend. These decisions didn't ruin my life, in fact, I still believe they were right for me. It hurt, but I moved on with my life and am happy with how things have turned out.
I do have to admit, though, that I still really miss that friendship and wonder why I wasn't good enough. I have reached out to her several times, and while I haven't been entirely rebuked, I have been met with a fairly lukewarm reception. The more I try, the more I realize how shallow and self-involved this person really is (which is what other people have told me for awhile, but I refused to believe it). I have been so angry at myself for holding on this long, for hoping that things can be like they used to and I can have my friend back. Why do I care so much, when I have so many other, better people in my life? It's just not healthy!
So, I made a very big decision today. This particular friend is in town and invited everyone to a local restaurant to catch up. I was invited, along with many other people, and I decided that I would give this one last shot. I would go, see her face to face, and see if I was really justified in my feelings. Late last night, I could think of nothing else. And I realized, that had the situations been reversed, she was important enough to me that I would have tried to get together one-on-one, not with a group. That's when I decided that I was done. I no longer need to know if we can be friends again, because I no longer want to be friends. I left a message saying I wouldn't be making it to the get-together and immediately felt a huge sense of relief. I do not need her.
Instead, I will no longer focus on what used to be and what is missing. I know it won't be easy, and I won't cut off contact completely, but I will no longer be the one to initiate. I will remember that for every person who doesn't appreciate me, I have two more who would support and do anything for me. I know who I am, and will not be ashamed because I made choices that someone didn't agree with. But I will also take comfort in knowing that I tried, and was the better person because of it.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 3
For the next two days after the fire, I was in complete shock. The area that I worked in was under mandatory evacuation, so I couldn't go to work. This left me sitting in front of the TV watching hours and hours of new footage on the fire. It was devastating. I couldn't do anything else.
I still couldn't believe how close I had been to the area that was burning. The videos of the houses burning were heartbreaking. I was worried about my job and then felt guilty. People were losing their homes, while I was sitting safe & sound at home worrying abut my livelihood. Several times the smoke was so thick, even at my house 30 miles away, that it was hard to breath and I couldn't go outside.
I was home alone with my 5 year old, who was scared but didn't really understand too much what was going on. My husband and oldest son both work out of the area, which makes it harder. Whenever we aren't together and something like this happens, my mind starts imagining all the bad things that could happen to them. Fortunately, my oldest was able to come home the second day I was home, which did help. I was comforted by the fact that we were together and I knew he was safe.
Thursday night, they lifted the evacuations for my workplace and I got the call that we would be able to go back to work on Friday. I was so relieved! I had been so worried about the fire getting the office or having to shut down for much longer. It had taken me nine months to find this job and I loved it; I didn't want to go through the whole unemployment process ever again.
Friday, the rebuilding started, for some of us. We went back to work and got everything running again. The building smelled of smoke, but nothing had been damaged. Four of my coworkers and their families had to be evacuated from their homes due to the fire, but none of them lost their houses. They also came back to work on Friday, even though they couldn't go home yet. Listening to their stories just reinforced how lucky they had all been. None of them had to go to the shelters; they were able to stay with friends. Most didn't even have smoke damage. Many of the roads in the area were still blocked off, and it seemed a little like a ghost town. But it felt so good to be active, instead of sitting around, wondering whether everything was going to be OK or not.
Every day since then has been better and better. Most of the evacuations are now lifted and we are finally getting some rain. Of course, this means we have to worry about flooding in the damaged areas, but it's still better than the alternative. There was a wonderful benefit concert at the World Arena, which I was able to watch on TV. The community really came together to help out and acknowledge how amazing these wonderful firefighters have been.
It's nice to not worry about the fire every minute now. Then I remember the people who lost their homes or loved ones and feel guilty again...
I still couldn't believe how close I had been to the area that was burning. The videos of the houses burning were heartbreaking. I was worried about my job and then felt guilty. People were losing their homes, while I was sitting safe & sound at home worrying abut my livelihood. Several times the smoke was so thick, even at my house 30 miles away, that it was hard to breath and I couldn't go outside.
I was home alone with my 5 year old, who was scared but didn't really understand too much what was going on. My husband and oldest son both work out of the area, which makes it harder. Whenever we aren't together and something like this happens, my mind starts imagining all the bad things that could happen to them. Fortunately, my oldest was able to come home the second day I was home, which did help. I was comforted by the fact that we were together and I knew he was safe.
Thursday night, they lifted the evacuations for my workplace and I got the call that we would be able to go back to work on Friday. I was so relieved! I had been so worried about the fire getting the office or having to shut down for much longer. It had taken me nine months to find this job and I loved it; I didn't want to go through the whole unemployment process ever again.
Friday, the rebuilding started, for some of us. We went back to work and got everything running again. The building smelled of smoke, but nothing had been damaged. Four of my coworkers and their families had to be evacuated from their homes due to the fire, but none of them lost their houses. They also came back to work on Friday, even though they couldn't go home yet. Listening to their stories just reinforced how lucky they had all been. None of them had to go to the shelters; they were able to stay with friends. Most didn't even have smoke damage. Many of the roads in the area were still blocked off, and it seemed a little like a ghost town. But it felt so good to be active, instead of sitting around, wondering whether everything was going to be OK or not.
Every day since then has been better and better. Most of the evacuations are now lifted and we are finally getting some rain. Of course, this means we have to worry about flooding in the damaged areas, but it's still better than the alternative. There was a wonderful benefit concert at the World Arena, which I was able to watch on TV. The community really came together to help out and acknowledge how amazing these wonderful firefighters have been.
It's nice to not worry about the fire every minute now. Then I remember the people who lost their homes or loved ones and feel guilty again...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 2
In my last post, I talked about the first several days of my personal experience with the Waldo Canyon Fire - the fire that would go down in history as the most destructive fire in Colorado history.
As I stated in that post, I really wasn't very worried about the fire. I had complete faith that, while we may lose quite a bit of forest land, our city would be safe. I was very wrong.
Everything seemed fine that fateful Tuesday, until I went outside for my 3p break at my office building. The smoke was really starting to thicken, and as I looked west I noticed that now I could actually see flames coming over the ridge above the scar with the naked eye. I ran and grabbed my camera:
But was I scared yet? Hell no! I just posted the picture on Facebook and went on working. I got some comments from friends asking why I was still there, and I just explained that it still wasn't really that close, I had used a really strong zoom lens to get this picture. Occasionally my coworkers would stop what they were doing to discuss the flames we were seeing, but most of us didn't think about leaving. Guess I still felt like the city was invincible, nothing bad would happen.
By 4 to 4:30p they started announcing the evacuation for Mountain Shadows. We still didn't shut down. The smoke kept getting thicker and thicker, and I was starting to hear a lot of sirens. We had been listening to the helicopters and planes all day, but this was really the first time I had heard actual sirens. My boss said that they were starting to implement the emergency plan: what to take when we left, what to do about the refrigerated supplies, etc. When 5 pm rolled around, closing time, I asked if they needed me to stay and help shut things down. They said no, and I started for home. The sky gray and orange and the smoke was so thick it looked like night. For a brief instant, I thought about driving back up to Mesa Drive, but decided against it. I thought that I needed to hurry up and get out of the area to make room for all of the people trying to evacuate. The traffic was awful, but it still didn't take me much longer to get home.
I don't think the full extent of how close I was to the fire really hit me until I made it home. When I got home and turned on the news, I found out that the Flying W Ranch had burned to the ground and many other homes were burning. I think I went into shock. That's when it hit me as to how close I had been. They had extended the mandatory evac zone to the area that I worked at. When I later talked to my boss about what happened after I left, he told me how bad it got. He said that embers were falling on his car and everywhere else, and he really wasn't sure if he and my other boss were going to make it out. Still gives me heart palpitations thinking about it.
Next post, I'll go into the days following the fire jump.
As I stated in that post, I really wasn't very worried about the fire. I had complete faith that, while we may lose quite a bit of forest land, our city would be safe. I was very wrong.
Everything seemed fine that fateful Tuesday, until I went outside for my 3p break at my office building. The smoke was really starting to thicken, and as I looked west I noticed that now I could actually see flames coming over the ridge above the scar with the naked eye. I ran and grabbed my camera:
But was I scared yet? Hell no! I just posted the picture on Facebook and went on working. I got some comments from friends asking why I was still there, and I just explained that it still wasn't really that close, I had used a really strong zoom lens to get this picture. Occasionally my coworkers would stop what they were doing to discuss the flames we were seeing, but most of us didn't think about leaving. Guess I still felt like the city was invincible, nothing bad would happen.
By 4 to 4:30p they started announcing the evacuation for Mountain Shadows. We still didn't shut down. The smoke kept getting thicker and thicker, and I was starting to hear a lot of sirens. We had been listening to the helicopters and planes all day, but this was really the first time I had heard actual sirens. My boss said that they were starting to implement the emergency plan: what to take when we left, what to do about the refrigerated supplies, etc. When 5 pm rolled around, closing time, I asked if they needed me to stay and help shut things down. They said no, and I started for home. The sky gray and orange and the smoke was so thick it looked like night. For a brief instant, I thought about driving back up to Mesa Drive, but decided against it. I thought that I needed to hurry up and get out of the area to make room for all of the people trying to evacuate. The traffic was awful, but it still didn't take me much longer to get home.
I don't think the full extent of how close I was to the fire really hit me until I made it home. When I got home and turned on the news, I found out that the Flying W Ranch had burned to the ground and many other homes were burning. I think I went into shock. That's when it hit me as to how close I had been. They had extended the mandatory evac zone to the area that I worked at. When I later talked to my boss about what happened after I left, he told me how bad it got. He said that embers were falling on his car and everywhere else, and he really wasn't sure if he and my other boss were going to make it out. Still gives me heart palpitations thinking about it.
Next post, I'll go into the days following the fire jump.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Waldo Canyon Fire - Part 1
This has been an absolutely heartbreaking and devastating week for those of us in Colorado. The Waldo Canyon fire ravaged several neighborhoods in our beautiful mountain side community of Colorado Springs, killing 2 people and incinerating 346 homes. This is only one of many fires happening in our state. It sometimes feels that the whole world is on fire.
When the fire first broke out, a week ago Saturday, it was at a popular hiking trail off of Highway 24. It was not immediately close to any structures, but close enough to several small towns to call for evacuations just in case. By the next day, the fire had grown, but it seemed like the towns were mostly out of danger and most residents were able to go home, with the exception of one housing development called Cedar Heights. (Please keep in mind that this is just my account of the fire based on what I remember, and all details may not be completely accurate.) By Monday, there was still not any containment to the fire and I was a little worried about having to deal with the smoke when I went to work, but I never thought that the fire would spread to our city. I just made sure I had my inhaler, but the smoke was never bad enough that day for me to use it. I drove to Mesa Road on my lunch, which overlooks Garden of the Gods, to see if I could get pictures of the smoke, and I did. Several areas had been closed as a precaution, but there had been no more evacuations. The containment information didn't look promising, but from what I saw, everything looked like it was under control.
Tuesday morning was a little worse, but still didn't seem to be enough to really worry about. They had managed to keep the fire from spreading to the Cedar Heights development that everyone was worried about. The fire had spread and the smoke was worse (I had to use my inhaler twice) but I still went to Mesa Drive at lunchtime to take more pictures. I even got some good ones of the helicopters and the C-130 dumping retardant.
Little did I know what would happen just a couple of hours after these pictures were taken. I will post Part 2 tomorrow - I have to do this in pieces, it's just too emotional.
When the fire first broke out, a week ago Saturday, it was at a popular hiking trail off of Highway 24. It was not immediately close to any structures, but close enough to several small towns to call for evacuations just in case. By the next day, the fire had grown, but it seemed like the towns were mostly out of danger and most residents were able to go home, with the exception of one housing development called Cedar Heights. (Please keep in mind that this is just my account of the fire based on what I remember, and all details may not be completely accurate.) By Monday, there was still not any containment to the fire and I was a little worried about having to deal with the smoke when I went to work, but I never thought that the fire would spread to our city. I just made sure I had my inhaler, but the smoke was never bad enough that day for me to use it. I drove to Mesa Road on my lunch, which overlooks Garden of the Gods, to see if I could get pictures of the smoke, and I did. Several areas had been closed as a precaution, but there had been no more evacuations. The containment information didn't look promising, but from what I saw, everything looked like it was under control.
Tuesday morning was a little worse, but still didn't seem to be enough to really worry about. They had managed to keep the fire from spreading to the Cedar Heights development that everyone was worried about. The fire had spread and the smoke was worse (I had to use my inhaler twice) but I still went to Mesa Drive at lunchtime to take more pictures. I even got some good ones of the helicopters and the C-130 dumping retardant.
Little did I know what would happen just a couple of hours after these pictures were taken. I will post Part 2 tomorrow - I have to do this in pieces, it's just too emotional.
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